Reduced to Ashes

Don't look down!

2011-12-26T15:30:00.000-04:00

I post here today with many failures under my belt. I have had more reboots than I can count (or care to). I even considered making the blog private today just so I wouldn't have to look at them (my failures - all laid out in chronological order) again. But the mantra I shall chant instead is Don't Look Down.

This journey to weight loss or rather a healthier, happier, more active me has taken more than 3 years officially. I have seen myself at my best, at my worst and my absolute bottom. I have seen the success of friends, felt pangs of jealousy, shame and rage because it hasn't happened for me. I reboot yet again at very near the original weight I started at and felt as though I worked for 3 years with nothing to show but dusty equipment, a broken heart and little to no will power. And yet, here I am again. Doing this again.

That counts for something, right?

Alas, failure is an option and one I shall learn from again and again.

So, once again, I will put my plan for 2012 - I look forward to pushing past failure.

Current stance

Weight: 265+
BMI: 37.3
Body Fat: 45.1%
Resolve: Strong but shaky

Short term goals (under 3 months)
Get under 250 lbs permanently by Carnival 2012 (February 20th)

30 day plan starting Dec 27th
1) Finish Jillian Michael's Ripped in 30 workout
2) Track everything I eat and drink
3) Drink 6 (32oz) bottles of water daily
4) Work out at least 6 times per week
5) Do it on a budget.

Potential hurdles:
1) Wisdom tooth surgery: Will not be able to eat solid food for a week. Need to find low calorie/ low fat slurpy foods and not give in to the overwhelming urge to eat ice cream for every meal.

2) My day job - long erratic hours that often require me to eat all meals at the office so planning ahead in case of emergency is necessary.

3) Cravings > willpower - I often have an uncanny craving for sweet after lunch. This can manifest itself in brownie, cookie, chocolate bar or Wendy's apple pie immediately after mid-day's meal. Will need to counteract with healthy snack options that are ready at hand and limited cash.

4) Boredom + Lack of healthy options = Disaster.

And... we're off!

Cheesecake

2011-08-04T16:27:00.000-04:00

Seriously. Why can't I quit you?

It's about that time - close to quitting time at work. A quiet, almost desperate lull before I leave the office - or hope to leave the office. In my line of work, this is my deadline to squeeze the last bit of creativity out of my already weary brain.

This is when most of my indiscretions occur.

A taste for something sweet or salty or savoury or just plain-not-in-the-plans-for-me swells within my tummy. Not because he's hungry. Oh, no. But because the little gremlin inside wants to toy with me. Prey on my boredom/discouragement from lack of ideas. The dirty green bastard.

Today, that gremlin's name is cheesecake. *sigh*

The Quest for a Collarbone

2011-07-22T13:37:00.001-04:00

The smallest I ever remember being in my adult life is 238 lbs.

That was immediately after the breakup of the (formerly) longest relationship I had ever been in. But it wasn't post-breakup blues that caused my weight loss. It was a 2 week flu with fever followed by a binge on diet pills to blame. Pills banned in the U.S. and several other countries I might add.

Not exactly the healthiest I've ever been.

Though, even at 238 lbs, I still couldn't tell you what my collarbone looked like.

Before one fateful conversation between a ~~friend~~ ~~enemy~~ grudging acquaintance and I, I had never even noticed that I couldn't see it until the subject had been breached quite unexpectedly. She had been boasting of losing weight and said she could finally see her collarbone. At home, some time later, I looked for my own protruding bone and saw nothing but a rising plane from my neck to my bust. Since then, secretly, I could think of nothing else.

Today, I stand at a half-inch shy of 6 feet high and 265 lbs wide. My collarbone is buried as deep as it ever has been.

Strangely enough, this isn't borne out of vanity (I hope). I don't want to be skinny, I don't need to be slim and probably will never be. My ultimate aim is a fit, healthy body that's well-taken care of. However, I'd be lying if I said I loved my back fat and I could do without the back, knee and ankle pain I bear on a daily basis. As for my collarbone, I just want to see what it looks like.

So, there it is. My quirks, laid out on the table. This is my attempt at my final "I'm back" post. And, as my tired arms ache from over-doing it at the gym, I'm smiling at the possibilities more than 2 years since my first post. No plan, no quantitative progress but a whole new mindset and a shit-load of persistence. 100 lbs in 365 days my ass!

Oh, you can follow me over at fitocracy if you wish.

pant pant wheeze.... flatline

2011-01-03T21:53:00.003-04:00

Can't....
Move....
Body.....
Must....
Find....
Water....
........................

It always amazes me how hard the first workout after falling off the wagon is. Almost like penance for not being consistent: five wheezes, 2 muscle lock ups and one stubborn as a mule mind and body that refuse to work together.

But I did it - well, most of it. Kind of.... um, look Ma, I'm sweating!!!

On to day two!

I took a picture today

2010-08-28T05:39:00.001-04:00

Which I haven't the nerve or the slightest inclination to post (maybe I can take a better one later)and I compared said picture to one I had posted over a year ago. In that picture, I was 268 lbs. In the one I took today at 5:15 a.m., I weighed 255.8. Almost 13 lbs of weight lost suddenly translated to wow, ONLY 13 lbs of weight lost in over a year. I had done the one thing I shouldn't have done. I sabotaged myself.

I should have been celebrating the fact that I lost almost 5 lbs in a week. I should have been celebrating that I finally seemed to have found what works for me. I should have realized that I am definitely not the person I was merely on year ago. Would have. Should have. Could have.

Will have.

Defeatist attitudes don't belong here anymore. I won't post that picture and I'm on my way to do my daily workout. I hope you go do the same.

Current Weight: 255.8
Current calorie intake: 1800
Goal weight by 28/9/10: 250

Love and Peace,

Sol.

On again, off again, on again ....

2010-08-17T21:58:00.001-04:00

I swear, my workouts and I have the stability of the standard Hollywood relationship. Hopefully (knock on wood) this is the last time I'll be saying this. I promised myself I'd be back and - here I am.

Today is day 2 of me getting back on this infernal horse in my perpetual journey toward health and banishing that dreaded back fat to Hell's liposuction clinic. Here's to hoping it makes good soap (if you don't get that, you need some Tyler Durden in your life.)

Boy, am I tired. Two weeks I went without daily exercise. Just two weeks - and I feel as though I've never lifted, lunged or crunched in my life. De hell?! Clearly, my muscles have the memory of a goldfish because no matter how many times I've done these workouts it ALWAYS feels like the first time.

More after the jump

My aim is to workout twice a day, 6 days a week. Turbo Fire in the A.M, P90X Lean in the P.M.
Thus, Day 1 goes as follows.

Day 1 (16/8/10). Click to make larger

A.M. Workout: Fire 30
P.M. Workout: Core Synergistics
Target Cal Intake - 1800 - 2000 (increased due to the amount of workouts)
Target Calorie Burn - 3000
Click the image to see exactly how I fared (never mind the weight - just going to leave it there until I lose it again)

Clearly, I'm not getting enough sleep and I didn't reach my target calories for the day but, I'd say job well done anyway. Almost a 1000 calorie deficit - that works for me.

I was going to take a picture and jot down measurements, but then I put the inch tape around my tummy and realized it got one inch LARGER than it had even been - even when I was 10 lbs heavier. That plan quickly went the same way the inch tape did - in the trash.

I am consistently amazed at the cards my genetics have tossed me. Between my dense body fat, my metabolism's ability to quickly fall in an out of love with burning consistent amounts of calories - if any, my parasitical back fat and my bread fetish, it's always a battle to move forward. Learning my body has become a very, very expensive undertaking. Add to that the lack of proper nutritional information on typical Trinidadian meals as well as rising food costs (Flooding = even higher prices) and you, my friend, have a recipe for disaster. Heh. Well you can't say I don't like a challenge. This should be fun.

One step at a time

2010-08-12T08:43:00.000-04:00

It's been several months since I've posted - and for that I apologize. But forgive my selfishness in saying, that this particular apology is to myself.

I had been waiting for something truly interesting to happen before I blogged about it and while several noteworthy things had happened (buying Turbo Fire, losing 5 lbs, regaining that 5 lbs etc) I wanted to be interesting. A feat, that will probably never be accomplished. (Surprise, I'm self-deprecating!)

But now, I'll make the effort merely because I need it. I need to keep myself accountable. I need to vent about my continuous struggle at not only losing weight but gaining health. I need to learn how to take care of me. And, apparently, the only time I'm truly successful at this is when I document it.

So, we start continuing again.

Current Weight: 260.6
Goal Weight by August 31st: 255
Daily Caloric Intake goal: 1600.

Eating healthy is expensive - and I'm a broke mo-fo.

2010-06-08T15:29:00.000-04:00

That is all. More to come.
Comic credit: Chuck and Beans

The big break and the baby fro (HYC Check in)

2010-03-30T06:30:00.000-04:00

So, this is an amazing week for me so far. This is the first time I've ever successfully broken the 260lb curse. In the 8 months since I've started this blog I've never been able to get below 260 lbs.
This week I'm finally 258!

So my current stats are:
Body Weight: 258.6 lbs *happy dance*
Body Fat: 42% *happier dance*
Water Content: 41.5% *happiest dance*

I can't even put into words how happy I am that what I'm doing finally seems to be working. Between Chalean Extreme and other fun Cardio workouts I do on my off days (Belly Dance Core Fitness and Windsor Pilates Accelerated sculpting) I feel great. I haven't yet noticed any difference with my measurements but my body feels tighter and I can feel a bigger bicep growing under there somewhere. Plus my clothes feel like they fit better. So I won't ask for more. I'll just keep doing what I'm doing.

It turns out that as of tomorrow, I would have finished my first 90 day round. Doing not what I expected but getting the results I wanted anyway. Thank God!

In other news, I've been shocking people left and right with my sudden impulse to Big Chop early. Yeah, you heard me. I am now the proud, somewhat anxious owner, of a TWA (Teeny Weeny Afro) or as I like to call it - my baby fro.

TA-DA!!

Here I am in all my natural glory. On March 27th, I washed my hair - grabbed a scissors and started cutting off ALL my relaxed ends. I was literally shaking while holding the scissors (and it probably shows because it's kind of uneven) but I did it. The reactions have ranged from shocked disbelief and confused ramblings about my sanity (people without natural hair) to joy and acceptance (my afro'd friends, boyfriend and mummy (love you Mummy) to subdued silence ( I think that was the most disconcerting of all).

I am a bit paranoid as I'm not yet 100% comfortable with my hair. Still getting used to the shortness. This is a big deal for me. I went from someone who was afraid to get near a scissors because I was fighting for length to hacking at my own tresses in my bedroom mirror in 0 - 60 seconds. And while I don't regret it, I'm still shocked every time I look in the mirror. However, wash and gos rock, my natural tight springy pin curls rock and knowing this is ALL mine rocks even harder.

Still learning about how to care for these thirsty tresses but at least the first step is behind me.

I'm still going (HYC Check in)

2010-03-23T00:13:00.001-04:00

This is going to be a short post as it's way past my bedtime (losing out on sleep is messing up my metabolism) but I just wanted everyone to know that I'm still going.

I've made a couple changes to my life - the first is completely restocking my kitchen after ballooning up to my starting weight (270 lbs) in February (after spending Carnival in Tobago) and realizing I really don't want to have to do this again. A lot of money later, I lost 12 lbs in 5 days. Obviously, while it was an encouraging number I gained about 4 lbs back.

Second, I've been cooking almost every meal and, while not meticulously counting calories, I've been controlling my portions. Food pics will be added soon and I feel like I'm making progress, though I have no visible signs of this.

Third, I've just started working out again using ChaLean Extreme as I realized my atrocious state of fitness required a slower start and I will work my way up to P90x once this is finished. I've just finished my first week and have lost 0.8% body fat. Not bad I think.

So my stats are:
Body Weight: 262
Body Fat: 42.6%
Water Content : 40.9 %
Chest: 46
Waist: 40
Hips: 50 (Good God!)
Arms: 16
Legs: 30 ( Aiming for this as a waist measurement instead.)

Goals by March 31st
Body Weight: 260
No eating after 7 p.m.
12 glasses of water

See you soon.

Help Haiti!

2010-01-13T23:25:00.000-04:00

Please help in any way you can before an awful situation gets even worse.

Trinis and Caribbean readers can find ways to help Hait here
Everyone else can help here.

Thanks!

My Hair Story

2010-01-13T23:15:00.002-04:00

Nothing like a New Year to get you motivated huh.

Well, This is my hair after a washing and a two-strand twist/bantu knot. 3 months of growth and healthier than ever (IMO).

Now, many people will wonder why the big hub-hub about my going natural. First, to me, it's a big part of loving myself as I am, naturally. I haven't seen my natural hair since I was 12 years old and even then the choice to relax wasn't mine (not that I complained either).

More after the jump

One of the last times (documented in pics) I was natural.

I had gone to my aunt's shop to get it flat-ironed for a different look for a school function. That was a big deal since my father was vehemently against it but my mom talked him down until he gave me permission. I remember sitting in my aunt's (who is an awesome hairdresser and stylist)chair waiting my turn to get my hair washed. My cousin Natalie asked what I came to do and I told her very proudly that I was getting it flat-ironed. All she said was come here, sat me down in the chair and the next thing I know - my scalp was on fire. 5 minutes later, after enduring the chemical burn so that my cousin could get it "Indian straight" I was under the sink feeling like I had just had an encounter with Tyler Durden, except his kiss was now my straight, very fine, not even close to shoulder length hair. But I loved it.

At 18 or 19
The longest my hair has ever been

From then on I was known as the "white girl" of the family because I was always fussing with my hair. Pushing it behind my ears, running my fingers through it and shaking it out like I was Farrah Fawcett in Charlie's Angels. I'm assuming my prep school accent didn't help either.

A couple of years later, I went to Maryland with my grandmother to visit my uncle. He is a preacher and was receiving his apostleship so it was a BIG deal. He sent us to the salon of one of his members and, man, did she eff my scalp up. I have, to this day, never felt pain like I did on that day. I had a sensitive scalp before but since that episode I couldn't stand the relaxer for longer than it took to do it.

As a bridesmaid in my cousin's wedding
One of the good hair days.

Then, to make matters worse, I developed a condition called seborrheic dermatitis - *waits while you google* (yes it's gross; yes, I hate it; no, there is nothing I can do about it but manage it) so relaxing my hair only made my breakouts worse, stressed me out and made them even WORSE and yet I still continued with the vicious cycle. Now, fed up of the burns, the flaking, the pain, the time lost and just curious to see what grows out of my head - I've decided to go natural.

Halloween - a couple weeks after making my decision to transition Using two hair pieces on either side (like I needed to say it)

Even that decision has caused hubbub of its own. Everyone, except the men and one aunt, in my family has relaxed hair. All of them can't see life without the creamy crack. Many of them question my motivations asking me if I can manage it (combing, maintenance etc) and telling me that it won't "suit" me (that last statement includes a couple of friends as well). I've touched on that before in a previous post but it still irks me. How can what grows out of my own head not suit me. Is my natural hair not good enough because it's not straight and silky? Doh eff me up. Steups!

Anyways, before this disintegrates into another rant, I shall proceed.

I've gone 3 months learning how to treat my new hair. My new half way hair. This not here nor there hair that is almost like a bridge between two points: what the world expects and who I am. It's been a labour of love. I will freely admit that I sometimes want to run back to the salon, cry foul and watch all my beautiful new hair conform to its chemical shackle. I don't know how to treat my hair, not even my mother did. This wiry, curly, kinky new child that is forming its follicles under its rapidly disappearing broken predecessor is a mystery to me. But I want to learn it.

In truth, it (my hair) reminds me of the nursery rhyme:

There was a little girl
Who had a little curl
Right in the middle of her forehead
When she was good, she was very very good
But when she was bad, she was horrid.

Some days, she feels so nice - soft, submissive, springy. Other days, she refuses to listen to any brush, comb or hair product then gets sent to the corner and stuffed beneath my trusty dunce cap. But she is mine - and I feel infinitely proud of her.

A dunce cap day

Soon, she will be coming into her own as I have decided on my big chop date: June 6th - my 25th birthday. 9 months after making the decision to go natural.

Last Saturday

I look forward to having you along for the journey.

Ups and Downs yet we've only just begun -HYC Check In

2010-01-13T08:41:00.010-04:00

Boy, it's been a while since I've done one of these.

So it's really been about almost two weeks since the beginning of the year and I've only finished week one of P90x (as of today). I've been up and down about 2.5 lbs for the last two weeks, starting at 263.6 going as low as 261.5 and ending at 264.3 as of this morning.

Surprisingly, I'm not mad or down on myself because I know, that despite illness in the first few days of January, I still got off my ass and did something. Whether it was spending the day on the beach getting pummeled by Maracas Bay's waves or walking an hour for lunch and back (6937 steps) or just running around playing with my dogs - I was active and that's all I can ask for.

I also feel pretty good about myself because I kicked ass in Kenpo X this morning *pats self on back* and while Yoga still got the best of me - I still did more that I usually do before screaming in rage and taking off the dvd. Oh no - I was all calm and serenity when pressing that stop button.

Food-wise I'm not where I want to be. I'm eating healthily (i.e. balanced meals, portion control etc) but I haven't been counting calories or documenting everything (though I have all my meals from the 1st to the 5th, then the 11th and 12th). I'm still in the process of Volumetricizing my fridge but I've no time to cook and the options I have around me (especially with no car) are very limiting. But, I'm working on it.

Am on point with water intake (8-10 glasses a day) and I have at least 3 fruits every day.

All in all, I give myself a B- for effort.

Hair Post, pics and new motivations coming soon :D

Streamlining - Third time's the charm?

2010-01-03T16:04:00.020-04:00

Most people don't know this about me but one could say I'm a bit OCD about self-improvement. So much so, that I can honestly say - I know myself inside and out. My passions run deep but my willpower does not. I'm a great starter and a lousy finisher. I'm an excellent planner but also a great procrastinator.

I am indeed the beautiful contradiction.

Which is why it took me 3 days before I wrote this post. This is 2010 - a whole new decade! Plus I turn 25 this year - I need to think big. Amidst all the promises and resolutions and big dreams that everyone I know (with one notable exception) has taken on, I want to be the one with a goal. That's right. A goal, not a resolution or a dream. A goal and eventually - a habit.

I started this blog to make myself aware of and accountable for my choices. And it's done that. I know my patterns when it comes to exercise, food, drive. I know that I get distracted easily but I also know that I've committed to this particular goal: becoming a healthier, more active, more positive and more fit me. But this year I'm thinking a bit bigger than that. This year's goal is to get streamlined.

I'm a pack rat by nature. I cling to anything that has the smallest amount of sentiment. It's so bad, I've been known to keep little life artifacts in anticipation of a good memory. So, this year I've decided to declutter, re-organize and get streamlined in all aspects of my life.

I've made a lot of changes and adjustments to my life within the last year and especially within the last 3 months. I've redecorated my room, I've created 90 day plans complete with mini-goals and, most notably, I've made the decision to transition from relaxed hair to my natural curls. All of this I intend to document on this blog.

How I plan to get streamlined (more after the jump)

Part One - Home is where the start is

So I've redecorated my room. I've completely de-cluttered and organized everything from the closet to my electrical cords in 3 weeks. It has come as an utter surprise for many of my friends and family who know me as a messy person. Especially since they walk into my room 9 days later and (still) see it clean. Most of them don't expect it to last past January... to them I say SCREW YOU and put your money where your mouth is.

But I suppose it is true. I am messy (at home). I have a chaotic life and I suppose my mess is my madness. It reflected what was going on inside. Much of which no one knows and I will not share. What I will share is that as someone who has ~~suffered~~ lived with depression for 6 years and counting - I've come a hell of a long way. And it's only getting better.

But I've digressed.

I've redecorated my room so that my life will become a little bit easier. No more running around like a headless chicken trying to find this and that - now every thing has a place. And that little revelation makes me feel so good. :) I'll post pics once I've fixed my cam.

Part 2 - The 90 day game plan

I get bored easily. So I've focused on making my goals into habits. Apparently, it takes 21 days to develop a habit so I've given myself room for error (30 days per habit). In each of those 30 days I've committed to changing one bad habit or developing one new habit. Plus I'll be doing P90x so I thought - what the heck - let's make it a 90 day thing. The ones I want to work on in the first 90 day round are:

Month 1) My messiness and lack of punctuality
Month 2) Improving my willpower and persistence
Month 3) Finishing strong (p90x)

This will be revised 4 times this year and adjusted according to my progress.

Part 3: Back to my roots .

Though I am female, I suck at the whole "maintenance" thing. I haven't had a mani-pedi in over six months and facials are practically unheard of. The decision to relax my hair wasn't even mine (not that I complained much). But I thought it was time to learn about me - in my natural state. So I decided to go back to my roots - literally. This was yet another decision that has stumped family and friends. Going natural is a big decision and I was too chicken-shit to do the big chop (cut off all my hair and start fresh) so I began transitioning in October 2009. And man, caring for my natural curls/ kinky hair for the last 3 months has been quite the challenge. But I'm determined to go all the way - despite my naysayers who claim that my natural hair wouldn't suit me. WTF!

Also in the same vein of roots - in case you haven't noticed - I've reset my countdown clock. I'm still going for the seemingly impossible goal of 100 lbs in 365 days. Still using my original plan of P90x, Volumetrics and getting more active. Thanks to a friend of mine I already have hikes planned for the next 3 months. All that plus the occasional swim, spin class, dance class and running (next round I'm going for the Couch to 5k challenge) - I'm definitely going to have my plate full. And - as I said before - it will all be documented here.

So, I've shown you mine - now show me yours! What are your goals for 2010?!

Finally a post... and pics

2009-10-20T05:39:00.003-04:00

I went on my first hike in years Saturday gone and had a blast. 2 hours and 4,000 steps of fun actually. Yes, it was a baby hike. No, I am not ashamed of that. Maybe we'll have more of these soon.

Enjoy.

Yes I know I look a hot mess. Click to enlarge if you want to see just how bad I look.

Day 84 Cont'd and HYC Check In

2009-10-06T16:25:00.004-04:00

So I did Cardio Intervals instead of Plyometrics last night. Plyo is waaaaay too long and I was dead tired - but I did it. I dragged my ass off of my bed last night and did it. *pats self on the back*

Food wise I did well:
Breakfast: Ham Sandwich and Snapple Iced tea
Lunch: Chicken corn soup with two pork pows and White cranberry juice
Dinner: I really can't remember - didn't write anything down.
Snacks: 3 cups of applesauce

I haven't weighed myself in a week so I'll post that when I get home.

Last but not least: I've started a local fit club where members compete to lose weight and achieve goals. Heaven knows I need motivation and the prize you get at the end if you win will be fun too.

That's all!

Day 84: Keep it Simple, Stupid

2009-10-05T10:36:00.004-04:00

*sigh* I'll admit it - I'm failing miserably at this. So badly that I've often thought of just giving up and dooming myself to staying in this body forever. Could I bear it? Knowing that I could take control but still just let it go? I can't really say that I've let myself go either because, if I'm really honest with myself, the truth is - I've never really had myself to begin with.

Yesterday, during a bout of crying and feeling sorry for myself, I asked N (my major source of support through this) if he would still want me if *this* was all there was to me. His reply: "I just want you to be the person that you want YOU to be."

Wow.

Who is that really? Who do I see myself as should I shed all these infernal pounds? What person will be revealed after this subcutaneous mask of fat, comfort eating and denial has been shed - if it ever is shed? Am I this body? Or is this body me?

More after the jump.

The answer is both... and neither.

While I can not and will not be defined by my body - it's a part of me. I freely admit that there are things I see myself being much more comfortable doing if (hopefully when) I lose weight. These include running; wearing bathing suits, tank tops and shorts; being picked up (very difficult for the lifter but doubly so for the liftee, yours truly) and just being less self conscious. Maybe finding a bit more confidence to showcase the me that most people are blind to because they just see the giantess.

But there are things that won't change about me at all. My personality is pretty much here to stay. I'll still be messy, I'll still be quirky, I'll still have an almost obsessive love for classic movies, green gummy bears and Common. So, I'll be able to fit into smaller clothes - I'll still have to fight for size 12 shoes.There are still bills to be paid, degrees to achieve, places to go and career to develop. All take time, all at the same time. The struggle continues!

So I guess the real question is - Struggle at a comfortable size 18/20 or struggle at a size 9/10 that I worked my ass off for (literally)?

I've always been a sucker for hopeless cases. So onward and upward I suppose. This month I keep it simple.

My Goals for October (the hell or high water month)

1) Get some kind of exercise in everyday. No matter what.
2) Drink more water
3) Write down everything I eat (1800 calories or bust)
4) Self motivate.

Getting back on the horse

2009-09-30T09:21:00.007-04:00

Weight: 265.4 lbs (Augghhh!)

Tony and I had a painful reunion last night as I finally pushed play on the P90X Chest and Back DVD. After about a month away, I am once again out of shape. Not as bad as it was in the beginning mind you, but the 4 lbs I put back on seem to be slowing me down a lot. I made it through with minimum damage but maximum sweatage (as usual) but jeez, those push ups suddenly seem ten times harder.

I guess I should be thankful that I went on sabbatical instead of quitting but I lost 21 days of my journey to illness, laziness and work. Apparently, my bed is much more enticing than Tony could ever be - once I get accustomed to it. But, as Tony said so resoundingly on the DVD, I just have to keep pressing play.

A few good things came out of this though:

Read more after the jump.

First, I started spin, so I wasn't completely without exercise. Hey, one class does count. And I must pat myself on the back here - I kicked spin's ass! Even though everyone in the class was half my size, even though it was my first class in over a year and even though the bike was creaking under my weight and I was self conscious as hell - hearing that tell-tale heart above the thumping music- I did it! And I had fun! So I'll really make a big effort to get that in more (*crosses fingers*)

Secondly, I now know exactly how sedentary my job really is. I can barely get in 2,500 steps there consistently. The office is small, everything is close together, there are no stairs and I'm here for over 8 hours 5 days a week. Definitely not a good equation. So now, I make an extra effort to move around more by walking to lunch and going to the water cooler much more often. Plus to make up for the lack of steps, I'll have to walk around my house like a mad person. Maybe I can clean and walk - I know some people who would LOVE that.

And last, I stopped taking the Alli temporarily. Partly because I don't want to waste them, mostly because I've been eating carelessly. I know now that I eat when I'm bored. If I'm home with nothing to do - I stuff myself. If I'm at the office by 11:00 I'm dying of hunger. At 12, I'm famished so I get whatever is near and then by 2:00, my stomach is rebelling again. I get the munchies worse that a pothead in Amsterdam - seriously. That means:

1) I need to take healthy snacks to the office (got Fruit cocktail today).
2) I need to eat a more hearty breakfast. Clearly cereal alone will not cut it.
3) I need to eat more filling but healthy meals and make the effort to find it or, better yet, cook it myself.

I'll restart alli tomorrow and see how it goes.

As for blogging more, I've found a couple of interesting things to share with you so expect to see that and more very soon. I'll also make a better effort to post daily even if it's just to say hi.

October's goals will definitely be posted tomorrow. It goes without saying the September's goals were a big bust but I WILL do better this month. I have to. *sigh* Wish me luck.

Thanks for listening.

Sick lady blogs quickly

2009-09-21T02:38:00.002-04:00

I've been pretty sick with the flu lately but I still wanted to check in. I owe you a footlong post but thought you'd settle for a pic instead (a thousand words and all). So, here's Swanky Saturday on a Monday. Hopefully, I'll be back on my feet soon.

Green Eyed Monster by HelloMello featuring Alexander McQueen shoes

Day 59 : Slowly but surely

2009-09-09T23:05:00.005-04:00

There I am, in all my sweaty glory... again. Two months down and a 9 lb loss. Clearly, there isn't much of a difference (feel free to disagree with me), but I keep marching on.

This could be a bit premature but I think the pedometer was definitely a good investment. 10,000 steps is a lot of steps and yet, I only stopped short of it by 2,000 steps.

To some that would be failure - but to me, knowing I was only able to scrounge up 2,641 steps in 10 hours at work, it was a feat of great proportions. I made up the other 5,000+ walking around the house like a mad person.

Still wasn't able to do P90x but I did get more than enough water. I'll take ALL my small victories thank you. Tomorrow is another day.

On a related note, I've finally found a way to get spinning in two days a week (it's okay to gasp in surprise now Tish) AND power walking. Since, I hate embarrassing myself alone, I've asked a couple of my friends to join me at the gym twice a week. My mum was even surprised when I asked her on a walking date once a week. Bonding time, I suppose - and heavens knows we need some of that.

Swimming, however, is proving to be a much more difficult goal since I have no immediate access to a pool or beach. So we'll try for weekends when I'm not swamped.

As for my food issues, I'm much better than I was before. I haven't had KFC in over 9 months - and here, that's a huge deal. Especially considering I now have one at walking distance from my home. But I'm proud to report, that in the 9 months of its operations - I have never once walked though it's doors. I'm eating more fruits and veggies than I ever have before and I think eating much more sensibly. If that isn't progress - I don't know what is. Not everything can be measured by the scale, can it?

It's been tough but I think I'm doing OK. This is the longest I've ever stuck to any program and - even though it's more like hanging on to a galloping horse's tail on the verge of being drawn and quartered - I'm still here, completely whole. I hope it stays that way.

Once again - thanks for listening.

Quick HYC Check in

2009-09-09T10:23:00.002-04:00

Swamped at work but I'm taking a few minutes to check in.

1) Did 10 minute trainer Total body this morning (it's a start)

2) Got my pedometer - working on getting 10,000 steps per day (at 641 currently - but I work at a desk, what can I do?)

3) Still at 261 - Amazing considering I haven't really been following a diet or working out, plus being gross and bloated.

4) Working on getting more active this week despite massive demands on my time.

5) Got P90x plus so will try a few this week.

6) Broke, but will still try to get an exercize ball for the One on One.

7) Took a pic this morning but was late so I'll upload it tonight *knock on wood*

That's it. Thanks for listening.

My own kind of whimsical

2009-09-06T21:53:00.001-04:00

I wouldn't exactly call this fashion... but it's me on a Sunday afternoon...

My own kind of whimsical by solace2801 featuring Dorothy Perkins

Day 50: A small step for man

2009-09-04T11:45:00.004-04:00

A giant step for Omnivore-kind.

So, I went vegetarian for 3 days straight - and didn't die from a lack of meat (go fig!) but I sure as hell needed to eat every 5 minutes to feel full. No wonder cows graze all day...

Anyways, only one day of exercize in this week so far, partly because I'm waiting for the P90x Plus videos and a ball for the new One-on-One vid I got in the mail - and partly because I couldn't get off my lazy ass...

The workout I did actually came with the One-on-One subscription. It's called RevAbs, a 90 day workout for sexy abs. Yeah, you know... the usual.

Cute instructor - boring workout. Well, I only got a sample workout so I really shouldn't judge so harshly, but let's face it -Tony left some huge shoes to fill. It was fun for what it was I guess, especially the capoiera moves he integrated into the workout but I was bored through most of it.

The coming week may prove to be even more demanding on my schedule as work looks hectic and I'll be losing my workout partner most days for the next few years. Plus, the lady issues. *sigh*
Frankly, my aim is just to survive this week. As for my current weight - that's very distorted by bloating and comfort Jell-O (that's my story and I'm sticking to it.

Swanky Saturday on a Sunday coming soon.

Day 45: Rabbit, Rabbit!

2009-09-01T07:18:00.005-04:00

Ah, the newness of September. So full of plans and promise!

For the kiddies:
New school, new books, new clothes, new shoes, new friends.

For me:
New Traffic, new lack of sleep, new additions to my workout program, new Japanese classes!

I wonder if I'll get it right this month.

Beat the sun this morning and was in work at about 6:30 this morning. Quelle Surprise! And literally drifting from side to side in exhaustion but, no worries, only 8 hours to go.

Will be starting Week 5 today - I think it's Chest and Back but I'm not sure - hopefully I can do this tonight and get some extra zees in the morning.

Ordered a pedometer/heart rate monitor/ watch today. Should get it by Monday, next week.
This is all in an attempt to get more active. I'm also going to try to get more water and fruits in my diet and try to cook more.

Still trying to go spinning (Yes, N! - I'm talking to you) and swimming but time just never seems to want to let me catch up. So I'm aiming for one class per week.

Also need to go to the doctor and dentist - haven't been in a checkup for about a year and am worried I may have pre-diabetes. Needless to say, I've to get my procrastinating ass on the doctor's table.

That's a lot to fit into one month but maybe I need a challenge!

So, in summary:

September's Goals

Weight Loss Goal - 10 lbs (251.6 by 30/09/09)
Activity Goal - 30 hours
Finish week 5 to 9
Add one day of spinning
Add one day of swimming
Eat more fruits (at least 2 per day)
Drink more water (at least 8 glasses)
Get to the doc and dentist

*crosses fingers*

Distractions, distractions - My Achilles heel

2009-08-28T10:16:00.009-04:00

Down to 261.6 baby, yeah!!

Surprising considering I'm still on my second week of week 4. I have no excuses this time except I have finally gotten a PS3 and find it so hard to pull myself away from his shiny black clutches. But no worries, us slackers always have a plan.

1) Ditch the rest of week 4 and move on the week 5
Not getting anywhere avoiding the evil clutches of Yoga - so I've decided to ditch it completely and just move on to week 5.

2) Add a reward to all this hard work

I need more motivation so I've decided to add another more tangible goal. Trinidad and Tobago is known worldwide for Carnival, yet, as a citizen I've never participated. So, hopefully, if the economy allows I'll be playing "mas" for the first time next year with Island people's Kutchela. The section I want to play in is called Taal - gorgeous isn't it?

3) Add more variety to my workouts

4) Work hard but don't take it too seriously.

Hopefully, this week will be more productive.

HYC Check in - Not that I'm complaining

2009-08-25T10:24:00.005-04:00

But I went down a pound in a week when I didn't do a lick of exercise. WTF.

Ok. That's not entirely true. I did like 30 minutes of cardio on two days and I'm sick with the flu. But how weird is that? All the other weeks when I'm killing myself with P90X and counting calories, I either remain the same or yo-yo between 265 and 270. I'm 263 as of this morning.

But hey, a pound is a pound! I'll take it wholeheartedly.

And yes, I know I have a lot to catch up on. *sigh*

HYC Check in - Making fat work for me.

2009-08-18T10:02:00.005-04:00

I missed out on blogging all weekend as I was pretty busy so I'll be writing pre-dated posts. So, contrary to popular belief there is method to my madness.

I've got good news. I've FINALLY lost a little weight again and am down to 264 now. Yay me. I can't explain the amount of relief I felt when I saw that little digital readout. I'm finally back on track and am going full speed ahead.

I'm actually noticing changes in my body too and though I haven't really checked to see if I've lost inches, I feel as though I have. Everything just feels firmer. Plus - my body hums now. That I really can't explain but it does.

And, while I am still very far from my goals, I already feel really good about what I've accomplished. I think the cat sums it up best.

I do make fat work. I make it work until it begs for mercy. I've made fat my bitch.

Almost done with week 4. Just Yoga and Core Syn to do then I'm on to Phase two of P90X. I'll take and post a picture tonight and you can judge for yourself if I look any smaller (though I doubt it).

Day 33 - Bringing it on Swanky Saturday

2009-08-15T17:05:00.001-04:00

I was so proud of myself today. For the first time ever, I've done a full routine with Tony - from start to finish - without stopping. I feel like a bad ass. I feel like a fitness junkie. I feel friggin' awesome. Too bad it wasn't P90X. But in my defense it was a close second.

It was my second round of Cardio Intervals (part of Tony's new One on One collection) and after my last effort when - though I finished - I almost fainted from light-headednessit was great to just feel pumped afterward. Can you say progress?

Meals:
Breakfast: Pancakes
Lunch: ....Pancakes (have leftovers- won't cook)
Dinner: Chicken Sandwich.
Snack: Cheese Sandwich
Glasses of water: 8

Purple is gangst by solace2801 featuring Dorothy Perkins

I know that you and the cat are probably thinking the same thing. But I was feeling the purple.

Love it or hate it - Tell me in the comments.
(Post pre-dated)

Day 32 - All work and no play makes me a dull girl

2009-08-14T23:59:00.002-04:00

I'd barely seen my friends all month so I decided to take a mini- break to go see District 9. And let me tell you - trying to eat healthy in a movie theater is no easy task. In the end, I had a regular popcorn and a White Cranberry Ocean Spray.

Apparently, that was the worst choice I could ever make! Did you know that a large tub of popcorn can hold 116 grams of fat and 1500 calories WTF! According to FitSugar this is a breakdown of the snacks that we mindlessly devour mid-movie:

Large Buttered Popcorn (20 cups): 1500 calories, 116g fat, 90g carbs
Hot Dog (1 dog with bun): 305 calories, 4.5g fat, 23g carbs
Nachos with Cheese (large, 4 oz): 1101 calories, 59g fat, 131.5g carbs
Soft Pretzel (large): 483 calories, 4.5g fat, 99g carbs
Cotton Candy (2.5 oz): 300 calories, 0g fat, 74g carbs
Sno-Caps (3.1 oz): 360 calories, 16g fat, 60g carbs
Raisinets (3.5 oz): 380 calories, 16g fat, 64g carbs
Gummi Bears (4 oz): 390 calories, 0g fat, 90g carbs
Goobers (3.5 oz): 525 calories, 35g fat, 55g carbs
Twizzlers (6 oz): 600 calories, 4g fat, 136g carbs
M&M's (5.3 oz): 735 calories, 31.5g fat, 105g carbs
Skittles (6.75 oz): 765 calories, 9g fat, 166.5g carbs
Reese's Pieces (8 oz): 1200 calories, 60g fat, 138g carbs
Starburst (24 pieces): 480 calories, 10.5g fat, 99g carbs
Coca-Cola with ice (large, 3 pints, 18.9 fl oz): 353 calories, 0g fat, 88.4g carbs

And some more that I researched myself

Snickers (2oz): 266 calories, 11g fat, 37g carbs
Twix (57 g): 284 calories, 13g fat, 37.4g carbs, 27.4 g sugar

Next time, I'm I'll be sneaking in my own food.

Day 31: Back on board - sort of

2009-08-13T10:35:00.019-04:00

I started recording what I ate again. After reading this Spark People article about it, I realized I'd been shirking the accountability factor. I also noticed that when I started this journey (a whole month now) that my initial success was actually because I was meticulously counting calories and making conscious decisions about what I ~~put in my mouth~~ ate.

This was yesterday's log:

Breakfast - 1 banana, 1 bowl of Raisin Bran with Skimmed milk
Lunch - Roasted Chicken Breast Salad from Subway with hazelnut coffee and water
Dinner - Eggplant (Melongene) Panini and Popcorn with a Mango smoothie (went to see G.I. Joe)
Snacks - 2 nectarines, 2 apples, glass of whole milk.
Glasses of water - 8

Total Calories- 1600 calories (approximately)

I don't think that was too bad, do you? I've even started recording my water intake. Yay me! I know it's not much but it's a start and I feel good about it. At this point, I'll take any victory I can.

As for my workout, I'm still dreading Week 4 and all that Yoga but I did do the next best thing and it also happens to be one of my favourites. Find out after the jump!

Pilates!

When I was smaller (250lbs) I had come down to my smallest weight as an adult ever (238lbs) using this and another Windsor Pilates video I "found" on the internet *coughtorrentcough*. I just love it. I have no idea why it took me so long to think about doing it again. Anyways, I did it this morning and I feel great. I should definitely exercise in the morning much more often.

Last but definitely not least, I was given an award today by Sweety on a Diet over at Blogging 2 Lose Weight. Yay! She stopped by to give some encouraging words which were very appreciated.
According to the rules, I am now required to give awards to other bloggers whose blogs I like.
So here goes:

1) Little Miss Fatty Pants.
2) MochaTrina
3) Lorrie
4) Mia
5) Shmologna
6) Drop 150
7) FitHungryGirl
8) Fat Girl Slim

Day x and that infernal thigh rub - HYC Check In

2009-08-11T07:29:00.010-04:00

It's official. So far, August is a bust. So bad a bust that I can't even remember with day I'm on without using a calendar - and at this point I think my brain is too fried to even attempt.
Counting? What?! *brain explodes*

Weight - Still 265, sometimes 267
Body Fat - 44.1%
Water Content - 40.8%

I haven't gotten in more than 4 workouts in 11 days and I've been eating really badly because that was all that was available. I'm having a really hard time finding and keeping a balance between eating healthy and eating what's around. Heck, I'm having a really hard time finding time! I'll need to start keeping some snacking fruits around the office as well as home. Thank goodness for Market Movers. As of tomorrow I really need to get back on track, I've promised myself that.

As for P90X, I haven't been physically able to start week 4 yet - and this is the rest week! I was supposed to at least try to do 10 minute trainer this morning...ha! That certainly didn't happen considering I wasn't able to drag myself out of bed before 6 a.m this morning. And I took me even longer to get dressed because I certainly wasn't going to iron! *blech* Not to mention that I have no jeans!

Why?

It's like this. I have very large thighs - that can be likened to Christmas ham - which rub together. I have NEVER had a pair of jeans that last me longer than a six months. I always end up with holes on the inner thigh area that, when worn in their -er - worn state usually result in painful chafing. Sexy! I know!

What's hard about this - other than the obvious lack of durability - is that I haven't had a chance to go shopping since I've started working (about 7 months now). Not only am I suffering from a major retail therapy withdrawal, but from the 10 pairs of jeans I had at the beginning of this year I now have NONE! I'm literally down to pairs that I had retired the year before (which I am quite surprised still fit).

Some of you might be saying "Just buy some online". Well, it's not that easy for two major reasons. The first, if you see me in real life, is obvious. I'm a tall mo-fo and I would prefer not to be sporting the MJ (May he R.I.P). My two ~~left feet~~ dancing feet do not need to be on display, thanks. The second - I'm really picky about how my clothes fit. So I need to try things on to make sure they fit just right. I'm sure you can see the cycle by now. Despite these hangups and due to the intensity of my desperation, I've ordered one pair from Alloy.com - that's two sizes bigger. Thank goodness my mother is a seamstress.

Until then - I will have to resort to mending my jeans. Go recession!

More to Love

2009-08-09T17:47:00.007-04:00

I must be one of the last people to know about this but I am floored by FOX's new show More to Love. The show is basically the plus sized version of The Bachelor - 1 heavy set man with 20 voluptuous women vying for his "love" and attention.

Oh God!

After the Tila Tequilas, the Bachelor(ette)s and other such dating show disasters, I'm not a big fan of reality television. So my first thought was will this be fantastic or a complete FATastrophe. But I'm not one to shy away from experience so I gritted my teeth and clicked play.

I missed the first episode but found the second here.

I can't say I hated it because it was nice to see women who look like me on screen. I could identify with a lot of the issues that some of the women spoke about such as being mortified to wear a swimsuit in front of people for fear of being judged or not being asked out in high school because my size isn't what was considered to be beautiful or acceptable. But that's about where my acceptance of this show ended.

I got so sick of hearing "he loves me even though I'm fat" and "I have these issues because I'm fat" that I could barely make it through the episode. WTF. Where have all the self-assured women gone and where did they find these weeping willows? Between Heather- the one who puked on the boat ride on the first group date and Melissa - the one who was mortified to don a bathing suit- I don't know who cried more. In almost all of their confessional shots these two were on the verge of waterworks or in full gush. How pathetic.

One woman in particular - Kristian - the only woman of colour I might add - was one of the most clingy women I have ever seen. She looked at him as though she would eat the dirt he stepped on after seeing him maybe four times. I was physically disturbed. I think, at one point, I started blushing for her because it was clear that he didn't really like her in the same way at all. She was picked last by the way.

I hate to see women portrayed this way. As creatures who are ruled by their circumstances and emotions. As women who are desperate and man- hungry. Look, I'm not 100% comfortable in my skin. There are so many things that I want to change about the way my body looks but that doesn't mean I don't think I'm gorgeous. Hell, I'm hot! I don't need any one to tell me that because I tell myself. Admittedly, half the time, I don't believe it or my 'hotness' varies in degrees from "eh, I'm alright" to "Screw you, I'm a goddess!" but I don't depend on others for my assurances. It's great to be complimented and treated nicely by someone you're interested in but that's no reason to fall prostrate at his feet.

Doormats - the lot of them. The resident psychologist will have a field day.

Needless to say, I either won't be able to stomach another episode - or will be glued to the set watching this trainwreck come to a climax. Fox apparently knows how to keep their ratings up.

New Looks for the new look - Swanky Saturday on Sunday

2009-08-09T13:21:00.003-04:00

Admit it. Most of us plus size gals are afraid of colour. The choices available to us - especially in Trinidad - are usually blacks, greys and neutrals. While I love me some black I've made it my duty this year to add some much needed colour to my wardrobe - without going overboard. So I dedicate this Swanky Saturday (on a Sunday) to the 11th commandment - Thout shalt not be afraid of colour!

The 11th Commandment by solace2801 featuring Dorothy Perkins

Clearly, things look a little different around here don't they. I love my new template made at Chic and Sassy designs. Don't be afraid to tell me what you guys think and leave a comment - especially you Facebookers.

Stealing a minute - Very Late HYC Check in

2009-08-07T08:36:00.005-04:00

between sleep, work, workouts.

It's been hectic and will continue to be until next week. I've barely had time to breathe, far less workout - not that I'm not making it happen - I said no excuses. While I usually am able to keep track of all I've done - that usually applies to the days I have time to myself - that doesn't count anymore.

To make a long story short, I've finished week 3 finally. Legs and back I couldn't finish due to unexplainable dizziness. I suspect my blood sugar was low. Kenpo, I finished last night but I don't feel I was able to give my all as I was so exhausted from work. At least I finished. *sigh*

Week four is a "rest week" and involves a lot of Yoga (*gag*) and Cardio (Core Synergistics FTW). So I'm facing it with a lot of conflicting feelings. I just want to get this done.

As for food, I've been a lot better this week. Only falling off the wagon once or twice because of late workdays (yes, work will be blamed for all my failures). I didn't keep a journal though. I didn't think you guys miss it anyways. Had Sushi today at More Sushi though. Soooooo good! I'd recommend them to anyone plus the chef is very friendly.

But I feel good about my progress. I'll try to get a pic in by Sunday - no promises.

No change in weight, still 265. I'm okay with that.

One more thing - I'm revamping the blog within the next two weeks and I'm very excited about the outcome. Please come back soon and tell me what you think. For those of you who read this on Facebook, you can click here to get to the blog.

Again, thanks for listening :)

Day 13 to 18

2009-08-03T08:34:00.003-04:00

Weight: 266 lbs
Body Fat: 44.5%
Water Content: 39.5 %

Unacceptable. That's how I'd describe the week gone by. I had some significant relapses that just don't cut it at all. I do have some good news however, I'm back to 266. Hard to conjure up enthusiasm when I did that before. Anyways, onto business

The Workout

Work has had me exhausted all week so either I didn't work out at all or if I did my heart wasn't in it. The only good one I had was Shoulders and Arms and Ab Ripper X immediately afterward. Yoga was an epic fail. I just couldn't spur the willpower to get it done. To be completely honest, in hindsight, even though at the moment that I couldn't do it - I should have done it anyway. I won't let that happen again. And that's it... that's all I was able to do this week. Unacceptable! I have two workouts left for this week then on to week 4, feel free to get on my ass if you don't see any posts about them for the next 9 days. No rest for the wicked this time.

Meals:

It was a big jumble of no, No, NO and NO!!! I definitely need to start tracking on my alli again because I'm really getting irresponsible with food. From roti, to pizza to mini chocolate covered nuts, I'm surprised I didn't stay at 270. In fact I should have - or gotten bigger - it would have made for a big lesson to be learned. Surprisingly, no treatment effects (overshare - I know) so I guess that's a good sign.

Next: Legs and Back.

Swanky Saturday on Sunday

2009-08-02T23:12:00.001-04:00

Untamed by solace2801 featuring MICHAEL Michael Kors shoes

I've been behind. I'll catch up. Bear with me.

Day 11 and 12 - In a nutshell + HYC Check In

2009-07-29T13:46:00.003-04:00

Day 11

I was not feeling the workout that day at all. While Chest and Back is a workout that makes me challenge myself ( and it did yet again), my enthusiasm for it was gone. I think life is starting to get in the way of my goals.

Correction: Life is *trying* to start to get in the way of my goals.

I did finish the workout. I'm glad about that but I really need to get some *good* weight gloves. The pair I bought barely even lets me close my hand into a fist and actually pinches my hands. I'll have to find a pair on Amazon I suppose.

Meals: I honestly cannot remember but I think I need to revise my habits.

Weight: 268 again! WTF!

Day 12

I got the first of Tony's new workout today! Cardio Intervals in the new series One on One with Tony is AWESOME! Quick, fun, hard but so worth it. And I finished it! Everything. Without stopping (well, except when Tony stopped too) but I worked out for 40 minutes straight in a high energy Cardio workout.

While that may not sound like a feat to some people, let me set one thing straight.
The fact that I was able to not only survive but excel at a workout like THAT is amazing to me. Mind you, by the middle of the workout, I was so dizzy I mimicked the unconscious state of a Mortal Kombat character that is about to be issued a fatality. I was literally spinning. Not just my head - my whole freaking body.

Meals:
Breakfast: Raisin Bran with Skimmed Milk
Lunch: Roti :D (a very small portion)
Dinner: Greek Pizza
Snacks: Apple, grapes, mango

Weight: 270!!! SERIOUSLY! This is the part that gets me irritated. I'm working out like a mad woman and I'm watching what I eat. Why the hell am I GAINING weight? No way I gained 5 lbs of muscle. Something is wrong. But I refuse to get discouraged. I'll just keep going and if it doesn't change by the end of this week (Sunday). I'll need to ask a professional. *sigh*

Nothing compares to you

2009-07-26T20:58:00.003-04:00

Don't worry, I'm not going to shave my head bald and sing 80's love songs ...not today anyway.

I'm feeling a bit disappointed. I had four workouts to catch up on in this weekend. Yes, four. Tony, apparently, waits for no man. Four workouts (X or otherwise) was nigh impossible if I wanted to stay on schedule and still be able to go to work on Monday. So, the s.o. suggested instead of attempting it at home where we'd be distracted - why not go to the gym and combine all four into one in our own way. Grateful to be out of the house (please disregard how desperate that sounded), I jumped at the opportunity.

Clad in brand new sneaks; new gym gear; and wearing new weight gloves (that harm more than help) - we went down to Bio Fitness and got our sweat on for 3 hours. But we soon realized that once you go X you don't go back. Not only was that a long session it was a boring one. It just doesn't compare to any of the workouts we do these days. I had never realised how monotonous the gym can be. Plus I think we both missed Tony's incessant chatter.

Just for the record, I don't think the "if you're bored, you're boring" rule applies here. The lime was good, never a dull moment or lapse in conversation. But it was just that. During an X workout, you CAN'T speak. Your voice was usually robbed by the conservation of air or caught in mid-grunt. Is it weird that I MISSED that? We spent 3 hours there and all I feel is a little used.

Tony, I'm afraid you've spoiled me for anyone else. *sigh*

Maybe I should write to Beachbody and ask to be compensated for all the free advertising I've done for them. Getting healthy ain't cheap, you know.

Meals:

Breakfast: 50 lbs of watermelon and 3 crackers
Lunch: Chicken Parmesan with Crispy Stir Fried Veggies (from the Volumetrics book)
Dinner: Second Helping of Lunch.

Didn't get a chance to read the book yet either. When did life get to be so demanding?

Tomorrow: Chest and Back

Swanky Style and Day 9

2009-07-25T07:48:00.007-04:00

I've been really busy. So, today will be full of updates to make up for what I've missed.

First up: Swanky Satuday

Swagger in my Style by solace2801 featuring Marni bags

Every thing here is available in plus sizes (except the white jacket - but a suitable substitute can be found on Torrid.com. Great for a day party.

Next: The Workout
Day 9 - Shoulders and Arms

Current Weight: 265.4 lbs
Body Fat: 44%
Water Content: 40.9%

Everything seems to be getting a lot tougher the second week around, yet somehow, this workout flies by faster than the rest. I even did the bonus round! *proud* I've started working out in the morning because I'm usually so exhausted by the time I get home. It's throwing me off a little but I feel great the whole day through.

Oh, about the weight - I've realised my mistake. This was after I got home yesterday and stood on the scale. What I saw gave me great pause - the digital readout had said 272 lbs! I stood there, dumbfounded, wondering how the hell that could be possible. Then, luckily, my s.o. pointed out that I had eaten less than an hour prior to my obsessive weigh in. And, at the risk of grossing you out, I hadn't - um- ended the digestive process.

I'm allowed a dumb moment every now and then, okay. So now, my weigh-ins will occur only in the morning when I'm fresh and clean... in more ways than one.

There is more good news though. This new readout means that I am only 0.4lbs away from making my July goal. *pats self on back*

As I said before, I've been running behind. Therefore, in an attempt to catch up, I'll be doing Yoga X, Ab Ripper X and Legs and Back today. That way I'll only have Kenpo X and Ab Ripper X tomorrow. I shudder to think about the pain I'll be in. Wish me luck.

Meals:

Day 9
Breakfast - Nothing. Was running late.
Lunch - Greek Pizza from Mezzaluna. So delicious.
Dinner - Baked Chicken breast, Macaroni Pie, Cole Slaw
Snack - Strawberry and Banana Crepe with a drizzle of chocolate.

I have no idea how I did yesterday but it's clear to see my meals thus far have not been very nutritious. Unfortunately, while I did do Food and Nutrition in Secondary school and a class on Nutrition during a brief stint at the Trinidad and Tobago Hospitality and Tourism Institute, I know nothing about eating well. My house has always been a take-out kind of place. Mum tried her best but to no avail. Between her business, a broken marriage and my penchant to get sweets at my grandparents' shop - I have a notoriously bad habit to eat crap.

That's why I bought myself the book pictured here.
While browsing the on the my alli companion site I saw someone recommend the Volumetrics Eating Plan to someone who had a similar problem to me.

The problem:
1) No idea how to eat well
2) No idea how much to eat
3) No idea how to get a balanced diet while dieting
4) No idea how to diet without starving myself.

The book supposedly solves all these problems. Once I finish it (which should *hopefully* be by tomorrow or Monday) I'll put the theories into practice and maybe write a review after a month of use.

That's all for now. Once I finish Yoga, Ab Ripper and Legs and Back I'll return with Day 10.

Not so bad with clothes on :P

2009-07-24T07:45:00.000-04:00

Let's do this

2009-07-24T06:39:00.008-04:00

...before I cop out.

I've been delaying posting pictures of myself for three reasons:

1) People are mean

2) This is the internet.
3) Those two facts put together never combine to make something good.

But I've decided for the sake of this blog, and more importantly for my progress, it's important that I do. *sigh*

This is me today. At 6 feet and 268 lbs (the new scale doesn't like me) and after my second round of Shoulders and Arms (pardon the sweat). This is how I've been for most of my life. I'm all about size acceptance and I'm not doing this for a better body (though - clearly - that is a major perk). I'm doing this because I'm worried about my health - both mental and physical.

My family has a history of diabetes and and I have a love of chocolate. I also have an impared glucose metabolism and I don't want to be defined by Type 1 or Type 2. I don't want to be defined as overweight or obese. I don't even want to be defined as plus-sized. There are things I want to do with my life and I certainly don't want it cut short because I wasn't woman enough to make changes.

I want to run a mile and not feel like I'm going to die. I want to go into a store - any store- and be able to have things fit when I try them on. I want when someone calls me big it's only due to my height and not my girth. I want to feel completely comfortable in my skin. I want to love every inch of me - not just bits and pieces.

All of this, is incredibly personal. All of this involves me spilling pieces of myself that I don't let the majority of people see. But all of this, can be identified with by other people. Other men and women who feel the same way I do. Who are seeking a change and a better quality of life. Who don't want to be tied to what they look and how they feel physically and emotionally. While I'm not as restricted in my movement as other people my weight (one benefit of my height), I'm still bound to back pains, short breath, back fat, exhaustion, achy joints and more. I'm tired in more ways than one. I'm not a small person in any sense of the word. I have cellulite and rolls and lumps and a double chin. I doubt I will ever be skinny and frankly I don't want to be. I want to be healthy.

So, with 356 days to go - I hope you understand why this is being done.

You're welcome to comment but I will be making the "If there's nothing good to say, say nothing at all" rule a strict law today.

Thanks for listening. Day 9 will be posted later today.

Once again - I ask too much of you.

2009-07-23T08:16:00.009-04:00

I'm late again. I know, I'm sorry. But I have a good reason this time. Harry Potter finally opened and I had to go see it. Unfortunately, while it wasn't a bad movie by any means - it wasn't what I was expecting. I was pretty disappointed by the ending and I think most people who've read the books would agree with me. Yet, I did tear up when Albus bit the big one (sorry about the spoiler to those who haven't read the book). Ah well...on to business.

The Workout: Cardio X
Tony won today. Had to stop a few times during the workout and had to drag myself up off the floor at the end. But, puffing and panting, I finished AND did 5 Dreya Rolls so I count that as a major victory in my eyes.

Meals:
Breakfast: Bowl of oatmeal + Apple
Lunch: Grilled Chicken Breast with Baked Penne
Dinner: Hot Dog and Fries (slaps forehead). I know! It was Harry's fault. Not much of a healthy selection at the concession stand. I really only had the hot dog though.

Other News:
Got the scale (yay!) Pictures and updates come later.

Later today: Shoulders and Arms

Nothing to do - Nothing to lose - HYC Check In

2009-07-22T08:42:00.005-04:00

Better late than never.

Workout:

None! Tony was so sweet to give me a day off. It's nice to not ache everywhere. That day off was sorely needed - no pun intended. Unfortunately, I was unable to go to dance (I had forgotten my gear at home) but I went home and worked on an interesting little project that will come to light in a few months. No, I'm not telling :p

My scale came in today so I'll finally be able to get accurate reading on my weight, BMI and body fat percentage. I have to work on getting those gloves soon, since - as a friend of mine pointed out - I'll end up with ugly snakeskin hands. Not cute.

On that note, I've never realized how expensive it to get and stay healthy. Between gym necessities, food and clothes - I'll be a pauper (God Forbid) by the end of the year. All the more reason to stick to my guns. If it's going to cost me an arm and a leg - both limbs better be well toned.

Meals:

Breakfast - Roasted bake with salted fish (Trini breakfast FTW - Thanks hun ^_^)
Lunch - One slice of beef Lasagna (mall food - bleh!)
Dinner - Grilled Chicken with Garden salad.
Snacks - 2 apples 1 mango, 1 pear

I think I went over my calories a bit yesterday but not by much. I'll make up for that today. But overall, still on target.

Other news:

I'm camera shy (shut up Avie!) so I've cheated on the pic updates. I'm still going to do them but instead of daily, it will be weekly. No need to bombard the internets with images of me - far less full length ones *shudder*. But I'll get on that today or tomorrow for the latest.

Week's Progress:
4lbs lost in total
Kept on track (mostly) with low cal diet
Feelings of joy and accomplishment

Later: Cardio X!
Until then, thanks for reading.

Week one DONE!

2009-07-20T23:14:00.001-04:00

And I'd be lying if I said it didn't feel good. Chest and Back is the "mother of all p90x" workouts - according to Tony. Which is why I deliberately left it for last. After almost and hour of push-ups, pull-ups, grunting, screaming and making every other sound possible to get it done - I did just that. All of it. All by myself. And I am damned proud of me.

I am now drenched with sweat and smiling. And while my congratualtions to myself may seem a bit premature - I assure you - it is well deserved on two counts. The first, I don't like working out by myself. Usually, I can't even find the motivation to do it. My boyfriend used to have to beg me to work out and now, I'm the one that's nagging him. So the fact that - even after a short nap - I got up, marched into my kitche-- um - gym, and did a P90X workout all alone was magnanimous! Second, I made it through a whole week. I've never done that before. In previous attempts to do this program there's always been some reason to take day offs in between. This is the first time I've done a whole week. No complaints, no excuses, just determination. Finding that tiny speck of will power was refreshing and inspiring.

Now, I was actually supposed to stack Ab Ripper X on this workout and I did start making it almost halfway through. But, having downed too many glasses of water during Chest and Back, I had to stop or risk puking all over myself and the floor. I will finish in the morning however. I also need to get some gloves. Those pullups (yes I can do pull-ups...so what if they're assisted) are giving me callouses. I will not have it!

Meals:

Breakfast: Oatmeal and an apple
Lunch: Leftovers from yesterday (Lamb, stir fried veggies, pasta, salad)
Dinner: Chicken corn Soup
Snack: Apple, pear, sausage roll and one fried bake (Fried bread)

I forgot my alli home today so everything I had will have the full effect and I really shouldn't have had that fried bake - that may be part of what made me nauseous. But still a good day. Not sure about the calorie intake and I may have gone over a little. I won't beat myself up over it.

Thanks for listening.

Tomorrow : Day off and BELLY DANCE!!!

2 lbs gone and finishing (the week) strong

2009-07-19T20:34:00.000-04:00

The Workout:

I kicked Kenpo X's ass. It's easily my favourite workout (mostly because of my martial arts background) and the fact that it's just ... fun! But I finished it. Everything. Even went on to beat Tony and the finale's punch out. It feels so good to (finally) be good at a workout. I sense this is the beginning of long love affair.

Photo Credit

Meals:
Breakfast : Honey Nut Shredded Wheat with Bananas and skimmed milk
Lunch: Lemon and Herb Lamb with Penne, stir fried veggies and a garden salad.
Lunch: More cereal with bananas
Snacks: 2 apples.

I did pretty darn well for a Sunday. For us, Sunday is the only day we really let loose in my house and cook a big meal. After that lunch, you literally have no choice but to sleep for two hours after. It's great. Luckily, I cooked.So, I made a fairly light meal and was still able to make my calories and a much more balanced diet than I am used to. Tasted pretty darn good if I say so myself. *Pats self on back*

Progress:
Lost two more pounds *gasp*! It's just falling off! Not that I'm complaining. It even looks like I'll probably exceed my weight loss goal for this month( well, two weeks). Quel Surprise! Previous attempts usually left me GAINING weight in the first week. I don't have to say how discouraging that was. Finally, my body has decided to behave! As it stands, I currently weigh 266 lbs. Go me! Next month, I'll try for 15 lbs. Thank goodness for Alli.

Tomorrow - Chest and Back

Finding motivation in the most unlikely of places

2009-07-18T23:22:00.008-04:00

Mood: Determined

The Workout:
I wasn't feeling very well today. I suffer from migraines that pounce on me when I least expect it -and when they do - I often cannot function. I almost gave up on getting a workout in today then someone got under my skin. Let me tell you - there is no motivation like anger. Apparently, working out your frustrations is far better than reacting. Thank you, Captain Obvious!

Why had I never used exercise like that before? Not only did I get Day 4 (Legs and Back) in, but I did better than I ever had previously. I even lasted through (most of) Ab Ripper X and I feel great now. Both physically and emotionally. My headaches are gone, my restlessness is gone and all that's left are the endorphins. Mmmm. I loves me some endorphins. Now, I can go to sleep feeling accomplished and relaxed.

Tomorrow - Kenpo X (my favourite)

Meals:
Breakfast - Bowl of Honey Nut Shredded Wheat with Skimmed Milk
Lunch - 2 Grilled Salmon Sandwiches.
Dinner - Grilled Chicken with Plantains, Corn and a Baked Potato.
Snacks - Yoplait Apple Turnover Yogurt, 2 Apples and 1 mango.

Don't ask about that menu. I was home, I was hungry, it was there, I cooked ...and it was GOOD! Not to mention I still maintained my 1800 calorie limit.

Oh! Update. Lost 2 pounds!! It seems there IS method to my madness. (It should be noted that though my scale is wonky, that was the only consistent reading. Frankly, I could use the encouragement.)

Swanky Saturdays - Part One.

2009-07-18T11:10:00.004-04:00

Phierce by solace2801 on Polyvore.com

The first of many plus sized sets. As you can tell, my style is pretty eclectic. Anyways, let me know what you think.

Drunken Yoga

2009-07-17T09:50:00.003-04:00

This is why I love Stumbling.

The Sun can kiss my Ashtunga

2009-07-17T08:46:00.008-04:00

My nemesis, Yoga X, and I had our first encounter this morning after a nice, long vacation from each other. The workout is an hour and 20 minutes long. I lasted through 40 minutes of that.

By the first 20 minutes in, I was so tired of hearing:
"Down to plank - into Chaturanga - do your Vinyasa and get into Upward Dog.
Back to plank - Downward Dog - float your heel into the air... ETC ETC ETC "

- that I finally took Tony's advice and stopped thinking. Really. I started wondering if I had a brain fart my mind was so blank. But it helped. I was able to do much more that I had in every attempt previously. Which was surprising. To be completely honest, we only really stopped because of a time crunch. And- admittedly - I feel really good right now. I don't really WANT to dislike yoga this much and maybe when the part of my brain that controls balance kicks in - I may actually enjoy it.

Photo Credit

But overall, a successful workout. I'll even finish next time.

The final tally - Yoga: 1, Me: 0

In other news:

I bought myself a new scale off Amazon. Mine isn't adequate because readings are never consistent plus I wanted one that measure my body fat accurately. I'll have it in my hands by next week - knock on wood.

I also need to go clothes shopping but I want to wait until I go down a size or so. That way I can make it a reward for myself. But until then I'll be adding an interesting little series to the blog where I use only Plus Sized clothing to piece together a Polyvore collage. I'll start on Saturday and continue every Saturday thereafter. Until then you can look at J@smine's set.

Big & Beautiful (2) by J@smine(5 new contests) featuring Old Navy

Tomorrow: Legs and Back.

P.S. Forgot to take a pic this morning so I'll post one later :D

I love this blog

2009-07-17T06:15:00.003-04:00

Winner or Whiner is a great fitness blog in all aspects. Great template, great articles, inspiring stories. I'm floored! Amy's story (while in progress) has inspired to work harder and Joy (the owner) is a great motivator with great hair :D. Check it out!

Winding down &The Clash of cultures.

2009-07-16T18:36:00.009-04:00

Weight: 270 lbs
Mood: The novelty hasn't yet worn off

The pain is still there but I'm able to grin and bear it without having to work too hard. I just can't abide any jerky or sudden movements. So far so good.

Had a bit of a strange day with food today:

Breakfast: Pancakes with a little syrup
Lunch: Roast Beef Wrap
Dinner: Ham Sandwich
Snacks: 2 apples, 2 nectarines, 2 plums

All in all, this adds up to about 1800 calories - which is right on target - but not very balanced. I feel full but not satisfied. The point is I'm accustomed to rich, Trinidadian foods like shrimp rotis, curried crab and dumpling, pelau, DOUBLES!! I really need to be able to strike up a balance between my health and my culture because that is one thing I will NOT be giving up. Why are there no nutrition fact labels on a Richard's Bake and Shark? On a serious note, I think that is something I will definitely have to look into - getting local foods analysed.

Visit Trinigourmet.com to try your hand at some authentic trini recipies. Don't worry - she has other cultures covered too.

Tomorrow- Yoga X (Oh! The Horror!)

What do you sweat to?

2009-07-16T07:08:00.008-04:00

As disgusting as that sounds, unless I'm doing p90x, I need music when I work out. It just adds a nice Rocky vibe to the whole experience.

Hey, everybody needs a montage.

Here is a list of my top workout songs so far:

1) The Pretender by the Foo Fighters - great way to start!

2) All my life by the Foo Fighers

3) Are you gonna be my girl - Jet

4) Bleed it out - Linkin Park

5) Bodies- Drowning Pool

6) Boom - Damien Marley

7) Breaking Dishes - Rihanna

8) Bubble Like Soup - Timberlee

9) Defence - Machel Montano featuring Pitbull

10) Calabria - Enur (song from that Target ad with the two college girls dancing around)

11)Renegades of Funk - Rage against the Machine

12) Chop Suey - System of a Down

13) Closer - Neyo

14) Gimme More - Britney Spears (say what you will but it's a fun song to work out to)

15) Crushcrushcrush - Paramore

16) Bamboo Banga - M.I.A

17) Du Hast - Ramnstein

18) Push it - Static X

19) Faint - Linkin Park

20) Firestarter - Prodigy

21) Get Free - The Vines

22) Girlfriend - Avril Lavigne (great running song - if you run)

23) Given up - Linkin Park

24) Guerilla Radio - Rage Against the Machine

25) Hey Ya - Outkast (Andre 3000)

26) Hold it - Faye Ann Lyons

27) Just Dance - Lady Gaga

28) Maghelena - Sergio Mendez

29) The Middle - Jimmy Eat World

30) Paralyzer - Finger Eleven

31) Please don't stop the music - Rihanna

32) Toma - Pitbull

33) Womanizer - Britney Spears

34) When I grow up - The Pussycat Dolls

I also listen to a wealth of bellydance music and tribal drum beats - those really get the blood pumping.

So, once again I ask, what do you sweat to?

Day Two - Tony must die

2009-07-16T00:28:00.006-04:00

This is me at the end of Shoulders and Arms PLUS Ab Ripper X. Don't let the smirk fool you - I'm in pain. But I'm not dead yet, so I assume that's as good a sign as any. Ugh! Remind me to only take pics before I get sweaty and gross.

Sidenote: The figure in the background is my boyfriend (who prefers to stay off camera)

My friend Tish was actually laughing at me as I told her about the T-rexlike pose I was forced to assume in order to type at all. I literally cannot extend my arms so I have a bit of a frontal chicken wing thing going.

Tony wasn't kidding when he said that this was my gym for the next 90 days. I have never gotten a workout like this in any gym. Even with a trainer. Every time I do a workout I feel as though I'm teetering on the brink of death - gasping for breath, grasping for water, cradling my limbs in pain. And then - it's over and I've gotten through another one. You really feel like you've accomplished something when you're through. Pain is simply a war medal.

The last pic is my ad-hoc gym. Which is basically the kitchen with the island moved. This is the biggest space available in my house and we make good use of it. Plus it's easy to grab a glass of water when you're panting from exercise induced dehydration.

All in all, I've surprised myself. I've always been freakishly strong (begrudgingly adding "for a girl" here). So all the weight training is pretty manageable for me but I dislike floor work. At one point, during Ab Ripper X I had muscle cramps in my abs AND my toes at the same time - what the EFF! But I finished! That in itself is a miracle. I'm quite proud of me.

See you at breakfast :)

Day one - of 365

2009-07-15T11:00:00.002-04:00

So, we're on to Day 1 officially (Day 3 unofficially).
That person you see is me. Hello! :)
Please avert your eyes from the very large pimple above my right eyebrow.

Profile:
Name - Solace
Age - 24
Location - Trinidad and Tobago
Occupation - Advertising Copy Writer and, I suppose, Guerilla Blogger.

You'll learn more about me at my regular (though I haven't posted much on it recently) blog.

CW - 270lb (It bothers me every time I have to type that)
Mood - Determined

Had my first workout this morning and had a little taste of yoga while warming up for Cardio X (I can't handle Plyometrics just yet). Yes, I know that is not officially the first workout but I felt like doing it instead of Chest and Back. I HATE YOGA! I do. There is no way around it. I have the balance of a 1 legged cow on a unicycle. Can you imagine me doing that for 1.5 hours on day 4?

To be completely honest - I have tried this program before. My first attempt was with a large group of friends but time and sanity make it impractical to complete. Syncing 90 days with people who have jobs and, well, lives is extremely difficult. But not impossible. So, I've reduced the number of people to two - my boyfriend and myself.

To find the time to do this EVERY DAY for 90 days is taxing. But, being honest with myself I can try my hardest. I'm definitely not a gung-ho fitness expert- heck, I can barely run up a flight of stairs without feeling winded. But my logic is go big or go home. I'm using the program to fit into my life and my schedule so I will not be doing it every day. I know I won't. And while I know I won't be getting the best results from it initially, I'll still get results. If I don't see results, I'll simply change my plan of attack.

But, I digress, the workout went well - regardless of the evil yoga. I feel great. Not achy yet just limber (I suppose the yoga has its good points).

Breakfast was quick and easy with 2 small deli-style Ham sandwich on white bread and lunch will be a Chicken Parmesan sandwich (yes, it is approved). Day 1 is a so far, so good with 820 calories under my belt (once lunch is done). 980 more to go.

Oh, I neglected to mention this earlier- mostly because the idea only struck me today- but I will be challenging myself to lose 100 lbs in 365 days. Starting today. I will also be posting a picture of myself everyday for the next 365 which I will include both in posts and in a flickr stream in the sidebar.

If you wish to start with me, please do. It will be wonderful to hear and see your progress as you sweat alongside me (virtually - of course). So feel free to request links to your blog and your pictures. Serious applicants only. And of course, if you just want to "maco" (a Trinidadian word that means to eavesdrop) you can do that as well. It's nice to have you either way.

Jaysus, Mary and Joseph!

2009-07-14T10:24:00.000-04:00

When did I get to 270 lbs!

That was my thought yesterday when I lifted my heavy arse onto the scales that morning.

It's incredibly hard for me to see where I've put it on because (and this is the opinion of other people as well as myself) I don't look that big. My stomach barely protrudes though I have big legs and arms. The only major evidence of midsection weight is actually the backfat that I abhor so vehemently.

This is the heaviest I've ever been. Imagine only a 30lb step to the big 300. Ludicrous, isn't it. So naturally - I've decided to do something about it. Again.

The plan of action - Balls (non-existent or otherwise) to the wall.
Daily rounds of p90x - leave it to me to choose one of the hardest workouts out there.
Healthy eating with help from alli - constant calorie counting and using a food diary
Increased activity - dance, free diving, kayaking ...basically anything to get me out of the house.
Learning more about what I eat, how I eat and how to change it.

In this process I seek not only to be a success story but to be an inspiration to myself and a positive influence to others.

So, here goes....

Height: 6 ft 0 inches
Current Weight : 270lbs (eek)
BMI: 36.6
Target Weight (short term): 265 lbs by 31/07/09
Target Weight (long term): 170 lbs

2009-01-01T11:45:00.002-04:00

Hello,

I'm "Solace", a 24 year old Advertising Copy Writer who has a vendetta against her backfat. At 6 feet 270 lbs, I'm definitely an amazon of a lady and proud of it.

This blog isn't about getting skinny - which I will never be and am glad for - it's about size acceptance, cute clothes, the journey to becoming healthier and being me all the way there.

So, pull up a seat, grab some carrot sticks and enjoy.

Random

2002-07-19T09:34:00.000-04:00

nv8cqbsp92