Day 84: Keep it Simple, Stupid

*sigh* I'll admit it - I'm failing miserably at this. So badly that I've often thought of just giving up and dooming myself to staying in this body forever. Could I bear it? Knowing that I could take control but still just let it go? I can't really say that I've let myself go either because, if I'm really honest with myself, the truth is - I've never really had myself to begin with.

Yesterday, during a bout of crying and feeling sorry for myself, I asked N (my major source of support through this) if he would still want me if *this* was all there was to me. His reply: "I just want you to be the person that you want YOU to be."

Wow.

Who is that really? Who do I see myself as should I shed all these infernal pounds? What person will be revealed after this subcutaneous mask of fat, comfort eating and denial has been shed - if it ever is shed? Am I this body? Or is this body me?

More after the jump.


The answer is both... and neither.

While I can not and will not be defined by my body - it's a part of me. I freely admit that there are things I see myself being much more comfortable doing if (hopefully when) I lose weight. These include running; wearing bathing suits, tank tops and shorts; being picked up (very difficult for the lifter but doubly so for the liftee, yours truly) and just being less self conscious. Maybe finding a bit more confidence to showcase the me that most people are blind to because they just see the giantess.

But there are things that won't change about me at all. My personality is pretty much here to stay. I'll still be messy, I'll still be quirky, I'll still have an almost obsessive love for classic movies, green gummy bears and Common. So, I'll be able to fit into smaller clothes - I'll still have to fight for size 12 shoes.There are still bills to be paid, degrees to achieve, places to go and career to develop. All take time, all at the same time. The struggle continues!

So I guess the real question is - Struggle at a comfortable size 18/20 or struggle at a size 9/10 that I worked my ass off for (literally)?

I've always been a sucker for hopeless cases. So onward and upward I suppose. This month I keep it simple.

My Goals for October (the hell or high water month)

1) Get some kind of exercise in everyday. No matter what.
2) Drink more water
3) Write down everything I eat (1800 calories or bust)
4) Self motivate.